Please forgive me, I don't know what I'm doing.

I wanna stand beside you

I wanna try and feel the pain you're going through

Till the death you'll see this through

Cold sweats, hallucinations

I wanna scream to show the hell I'm going through

The addiction's taking you

Everyone is sick of caring

No silver lining on the cloud that covers you

Let it pour and soak you through

No hope just desperation

So sit and wait for death

And pray it takes you soon

The addiction's taking you

Can you see me through bloodshot eyes (bloodshot eyes)

Should I fight for what is right or let it die

Now I'm choking on force fed lies

Do I fight or let it die

I will fight, one more fight

Don't break down in front of me

I will fight, when you fight

I am not the enemy

I will try, one last time

Are you listening to me

I will fight, the last fight

I am not your enemy

Can you feel me through bloodshot eyes

Should I fight another night or let it die

Now I'm choking on every lie

Should I fight or let it die

I am not your, not your enemy!

Not sure what to say about the lyrics. Some of my favourite but you might read them differently. Bullet for my valentines album "Fever" is just amazing. The words really get me.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the new followers <3 (: 

It's been a few days, and i must apologise for my scattyness when it comes to posting. I've been swamped lately. Started my new job today, it's only factory work but it was actually good. Time passes so fast there and it's easy money! All good for now.

Got Photoshoots booked Saturday and Sunday this weekend, then back to work Monday. Straight after that is the Christmas party (clubbing, no meal thankfully) and then Tuesday I'm meant to be working but I'm trying to get out of it! 

Sunday i had to sit down with my parents and family for a roast. I got away with mostly veggies and a small slice of chocolate cake for afters. I gained 1lb. 120 Sunday. 120 Monday. 120 Tuesday, then dropped to 119 in the evening. Wed, 118.. Now? 118.4 :/ I've been hovering around 118 since Wednesday night when i had to have that meal. One slice of pizza i told myself, one. But i was a greedy fat bitch and had about 4, with jalapeno cheesy bites AND garlic bread. I purged it all, basically. I got back down to 119 that night,woke up at 118 yesterday and in the afternoon, the house was empty and the pizza was looking so appetising. Yes, i binged on 2 slices and a small slice of garlic bread. Then purged it back down to 118.9 or something. I regret it now. I thought it would be okay but clearly it wasn't. I was going from 117.4 to 118 exactly today on the scale. I was so hopeful, then it stuck on 118.AGAIN. 

I'm just sick of the number now. Worked 8-3 today, a good 45 minute walk home and walking up and down stairs a bit today at work. Nothing to eat as of yet and too tired to even think about the effort it'd take to quietly purge in my room and stay up late enough to get rid of the evidence. Not to mention the paranoia that runs through me. Meh. Photoshoot tomorrow and i refuse to be 118 for it. I just refuse. I need to get an early night for it or I'll have bags as big as Mary Poppins. SIGH!

I hope you're all doing better than me

I will make the time to comment on all your blogs and catch up with everyone tomorrow night after my photoshoot.

Stay strong everyone, stronger than me right now!

Much love,

El xoxo

Crap crap crap

After a hump on Sunday then plataeuing at 120lbs i finaly got down to 118 today. Now, what ruins it? My parents want to eat with me tonight, they're ordering pizza. I can't get out of it, i've tried every trick in the book! Please don't take me back to 120... pleasssssssssssse.

Keep your hopes up high, and your head down low

Evening bloggers <3
Welcome new followers!

Today has been a pretty average boring day. I woke up today to read 119 on the scales (: Which is obviously a great thing! Finaly in the 10's! Just been booking shoots and searching the net for things really. I found a place in London that does Assesment days for £30 and teaches you the basics of modelling. Then you can do the weekend bootcamp for £399 and it will teach you everything... Like how to present yourself, you have personal stylists to help with what you need to wear and buy clothes wise, make up lessons, all things like this. It sounds amazing, but i'd have to fork out 400, then extra for the train and accommodation. I'm hoping by the time i want to go that i have a boyfriend and can go with him for the weekend and split the bill for a hotel ^^ I'm sure you'll have the evenings to yourself so we could go for meals or whatever then. Fingers crossed ey!
Not done much else, managed to catch up with some blogs!
I've taken my little scale thing down because i had to put everything on disk (and forgot to leave the file for that to edit) and now its on disk i cant get it back as my disk drive is broken! woo! hahaha...
I was worrying about tomorrow sunday lunch with all the family, was going to restrict like crazy as my shoot was rearanged for next week. Then my friend said he'd take me for coffee at 2 until dinner is done at my house haha! then i can come back to see the family (: Scorreee! Happy happy ^^
Not heard much from D (ex)spoke to him yesterday about our plans today but we changed them to next week as he's not feeling good... I feel like i should just leave it, make him get in contact with me... He seemed to be so regretfull and interested last tuesday but he's not got in contact. Hopefully if i leave him he'll get in contact. What do you guys think??

Hope you're all doing well (:
Much love,
El xox

You're not the person that i knew back then

120 ;D Woooooooooooooo! I broke the stupid 121 mark :D 119 tomorrow i hope!
This was just a post to say i done it ^^ and new picture ---> down that side! 20lbs to go until my UGW. Keep going everyone, you all rock! ^^
Much love,
El xox


Ps my hair is dyed red&black again but with blonde too!

While you're racing through my mind

Sorry i haven't posted everyone, to be honest i just needed a break. Things have been hectic recently.
121, plateaued. 2 days of fasting and no results. It sucks but maybe i'll drop tonight. I'm 121 exactly, how annoying is that? haha. yest morn, yest night, this morn, now. No change. Why cant i be 120.9? :P
If i hit 120 tomorrow you know what that means right? Picture update!

Well, hectic or what. Remember D? The ex? Well he was out Monday night and guess what, we spoke, and i told him exactly what he needed to hear, he kicked himself. Well and truely kicked himself in the balls. haha! I went over there Tuesday night and he told me he still loved me, that he is in two minds. How funny. Ofc i still love him but meh, i'm happy with or without him. He's still with skanky pscyho bitch so we'll see how friends go. Maybe over there saturday! This is giving me the kick of motivation i needed though. I think it's now been ... wow... 4 days. I didn't realise it'd been 4 days. Means i'm past the fasting hump! Not that i had any difficulty. I'm happy about that! haha
I'm just trying to dye my hair right now, and thought i'd post whilst it developed (:
Hope you're all doing well!
Much love,
El xox

It's been a long time coming

So, it's been a few days since i've posted and i'm sorry. I got so so close. I can't believe i'm saying this but i scewed up. I'm destined to be a fatass the rest of my life. I'm going to have to live in this skin forever, i just know it. I try, and try, then something in me snaps. Well, not anymore. I refuse to be this, and i refuse to let myself, or you, down anymore. Fast. A fast untill the 17th when i have to eat, then after that untill christmas eve/day when i'm made to sit with the family for a meal.
I will not fail this time, i refuse to. I dont want to be like this, i dont want to hate myself the rest of my life, and i'm cirtainly not going into 2011 bigger than 8 stone!! I'm going to do it, and i'm going to make you all proud.
I've got World of warcraft back, last time i played it was when i was my lowest weight. It kept me so occupied when i was bored that i didnt eat. I just didn't feel hungry. That's a plus. Fingers crossed!

I had a big oopsy today. Making room on my laptop and i accidently deleted all my music :/ I went mental, nearly cried, that was 2000+ songs lol. I guess i can live with what i have on my Iphone but meh, it's a good 6 years of music there, gone! Just like that!

I hope you're all doing great,
Much love,
El xox

It's still snowing!

thanks for the comments on this post!