Winter Wonderland

Thank you for your get well messages everyone (: I'm feeling a bit better today!
I woke up without major back pain which i was happy about, then when trying to fix my net i bent down and CRACK. Hello intense back pain. Haven't been able to do much today but i managed to venture out for half an hour to play in this...

;D
Snowwwwwwwwwwwwwww <3

We were hit by the earliest snow fall in 17 years and it was great! Infact, 14 hours later and it's STILL snowing ^_^
That did make my day a little brighter, and the back pain a little less annoying! Hopefully i'm going to be doing a photoshoot tomorrow in it! Should be fun!

I managed to get down to 123 but binged and now i'm at 125. So, my aim is 120 or lower for the weekend (: And my deadline date to get as low as possible is 20th for a friend get together. Family get together on the 17th so as low as poss for that too!
It feels so christmassyyyyy haha!

Hope you're all doing well, hopefully my back stops playing up soon so i can get back to the gym! I'm excited to go back!
Much love everyone,
El xox

Sick

Hey everyone, sorry its been a bit long
I'm at 124 today, which is crap considering i should have been at 122. But, i won't let it hold me back. Still going and wont stop!
I'm ill. So ill it's rediculous. Can't move properly because of my back and i can not breath ): Sucks so bad! All i want is a big, hot, meal. It's not nice ):
Dosed up on meds right now and hoping to be better by wednesday for gym. No chance i could have gone today!

Hope you're all doing well, and i'm sorry that it's all so boring and useless, i hope next time will bring something exciting to read!
If my net holds out i'm going to try catch up on some blogs whilst i'm bed ridden.
Take care, and stay strong loves (:
El xox

Midnight binge

I can feel it coming, so i'm going to do a quick update then get off to the land of nod.
main points =
You followers are amazing. I would be nowhere without your support.
New followers! <3 welcoome!!
Casting on sunday for a "help the heroes" fashion show in july 2011. Should i go? :O Not sure if i have the confidence to do a live show. Being covered by SKY Magazine too *cowers*
Day 1 fast complete! 124 tomorrow hopefully and off this stupid 125.
hmm, oh yes, gym last night.. here are the pics!

+ around 100 for walking there
It's not as much as normal, but i didnt realise you could input your weight and age etc, and get a more acurate cal burn. So it was calculating on the assumption i was 150lbs!! No way thank you Mr.machine, them days are well passed!

Oh, and that dress i told you about? i got a picture ^_^

can't wait to go out after christmas and wear it <3 also got 3 new dresses off of boohoo.com for christmas today too. So excited to get new SMALL clothes <3 hehe!

Hope you're all wellllll
Much love,
and i'll catch up on blogs tomorrow
El xox

I, wanted to see, something that's different, something you said would change in me

wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me

RAWR
You girls (and maybe guys) have been so supportive and i feel like I'm letting you down so much. Christmas shopping today with my sister and mum, and of course my mum knew i skipped breakfast and wouldn't let me go without lunch. I could have got a healthy option. Why didn't i? Oh yeah, because I'm a fat ass. -.-
I Binged. Which led to another binge. This sucks. I'm in the same ol' rut I've been in for the past month! You know if I'd stuck to this I'd be 100lbs by now? Mhm, sickens me to think about it. But i am making a promise now. I will hit 110 or lower by the 12th December. 
Yes.
And if i fail, i will delete this blog. Or at least not allow myself to post untill i reach 105<
Gym tomorrow, 2 hours on the cross trainer. Gym friday, another 2 hours. Then come next week i will have a monthly membership and i will be going anything from 5-7 days a week. I have 3 people who want to go now, so i could even end up going more than once in one day. I'll push myself until i can not push anymore.

On the plus side i got an amazing dress today for christmas. And some shoeees! I've been wanting these boots for ages and finaly have the chance to get them!

In black (not brown!)

I looked in EVERY shop i could trying to find black ones that i liked and finaly found them in the last shop. I'll try get a picture of the dress for another blog post!

Well, not much else to say, except i'm sorry, and i'll make it up to you <3 

Thank you for all your support. It means the world

Much love,

El xox

Someone like me

125 today :) So that means I could actualy hit 119 by Sunday!! Woo!!
This is just a quick post, I should update tonight or tomorrow night properly ;D
Here's yesterdays gym proof that shows why I dropped over 2lbs over night

^_^ 900 cals burnt! Plus about 30 crunches at 30kg (?)
And 184 cals burnt walking there and back
So that's 1084 cals burnt
and 1400 as my BMR with no food! So maybe about 2484 cals burnt throughout the day
=3

Hope you're all well!
Much love,
El xox

All downhill from here...

...is what I'd be saying if i didn't believe in myself.
But, since i know full damn well that I'm stronger than how I'm acting, the title was just for show.
Yeah, today's been bad. I hit 125 which made me happy, then, silly me had to b/p
Okay, so i can recover yeah? No. I then go binge slightly again with no purge. Then again with half purge.
I've probably gained about 4lbs, if i have then I'll be distraught and it will mean 2x longer in the gym.
I've already worked out out to punish myself. Gym tomorrow & Thursday. 2 hours, 1 & a half hours on the cross trainer, hopefully around 900cals, then weights. Maybe even a full 2 hours on cross trainer, around 1200 cals burn. Then again during the week, but not sure when! Wed night, or maybe Friday. We'll see. But total cal burn for this week should total at around 2100 - 3600. Pictures to prove, if i manage!
Fast all week. I have a photo shoot Sunday and i refuse to be over 120 for it. I don't even care if it's 119, i wont be 120.
Following my fail today I've decided to use my little black diary to record days in. Like "cals; 20" and "b/p" or "x cals burnt" (what exercise i did)
Thought it would be nice to look at after the weight loss to prove to myself how strong i am (:

I managed to get up to date on some blogs, sorry it's taken so long. Hope you're all doing well!
Thank you for all your support lately, I've needed it. And now it seems more than ever!
Much love,
El xox

In this broken beautiful mess i made

So i wasn't going to post tonight but i missed you to much. I managed to fix the net *fingers crossed* and i'm pretty drunk right now... I was 126.8 this morn, and i came home (drunk) and ate 2 tins of tuna, mayo, 6 weight watchers slices of bread! i know, FATTY! purged an i'm down to EXACTLY 126 ;D So hopefully i will hit 125 tomorrow! Deffinatly going gym monday as problem came up today with going. I will burn 900 monday, and i even have enough to go 2x, maybe ever 3 times. Just means no smoking. i'd rather go gym that smoke! I wanted to quit anyway... I guess i've proved how strong i am already so now i can prove i'm 100x stronger and 100x better!
wish me luck beautifuls
Much love,
El xox#


*ps... i'm that drunk i had to search beautiful to make sure i  spelt it right :|

;D only edited my tatt & background out, that's why it looks weird... not edited the rest! Me now ;D





pps - i got called "tiny" tonight by a friend who hasnt seen me in a few months ^^

Motivationnnnnnnnnnnnn 1!!! <3

This is who i am, and it's all that i can be.

I can do this! I'm so psyched for this now. I have 3 shoots booked for the next month and i refuse to give up. I wil lose this weight and i'll look super super sexy in these shoots <3 I have a new goal, by November the 28th i want to be able to fit into my camo shorts for the army shoot. I WILL DO THIS!!!
So, with this in mind i am back to 126, which is good considering how hard it's been lately. And i'm up in 10 hours for a long hard gym session! I'm looking to do 1 hour and 30 mins on the cross trainer in intervals, hopefully burning 900 calories. Wish me luck!!
Had a stressful couple of days, and if i don't post for a while it's due to my internet connection being a complete tard and losing connection all the time :| I will try and keep you posted on my phone. I managed to comment a few blogs yesterday, and if you were one of the unlucky ones who didn't recieve a comment then i'm sorry ): It's my connection!
Thank you all so much for your comments, and your suggestions on Katy Perry outfits! I was going to use my candy girl dress from my 20th but then my friend decided she is coming and came up with a brilliant idea...
We're going to paint on cat faces, dress slightly revealing, and call outselves the pussycat dolls (: Great isn't it? I love my besty!
I've been so happy lately and honestly, i feel so lucky for what i have at this moment in time, compared to the state i was in last year. I may not have an amazing boyfriend (or a boyfriend at all) but i have the greatest friends, the greatest supporters, the best family, i'm doing things for myself and becoming independant. I'm finaly able to work! (just need to find a job ^^; ), My modelling is back up and running, i'm doing my GCSEs and doing well! (Shocker) and i'm doing my driving! It's just amazing to think that i was ready to attempt to take my life again (tried and failed 2x before) just over a year ago! I wouldn't go back there if someone offered me a million pound. This is me, my life, my priorities, my happiness, my everything, and i would not let anything ever come between me and this life! All i have left to do is lose this weight ^_^
I wanted to make this post symbolic. so i'm going to make a list now of things i want to acheive by February or during 2011 (:

1. Get to 7 or 7.7 stone
2. Get a job
3. Pass my driving test (this may take a little longer)
4. Acheive my goals in English & Maths
5. Get onto my Legal secretary course
6. Go on Holiday
7. Get my portfolio for modelling complete and sent to agencies!
8. Make more things to do!

I hope you're all having a fantastic week so far, and are staying strong! Don't forget you're beautiful! Each and every one of you! And you CAN reach your goals!
Take care lovelies, take care
El xoxox

We're all part of the same, sick little games

Hey everyone (:

I'm so tired that i don't think i can handle a large post!
I'm feeling good today, i caved for a few days and gained, which is bad i know, i feel like such a failure. But i've managed to steer myself back on track and day 1 is over and done with. I've been so busy that i haven't even noticed. It's only when there is food infront of me i remember i haven't eaten, like the pizza when i got in -.-; but i refused and i'm now in bed, snuggled up, posting to you goregous people! <3
Thank you all for the comments i got on my last blog post ^_^ They really gave me some confidence i needed! I have sadly taken the picture down, so if you didn't get to see it i'm sorry! I'm considering giving you lovely people my Facebook modeling page, but i might leave that for when i hit my goal...
So i went to Costa for a Hot Chocolate today with a friend, and even though it's bad, at least it's not food! I done a fast with hot choc included and still lost so i should be okay!
I then had a driving lesson and we done emergency stops for the first time. It was scary, but so fun! I did them "perfectly" apparently (: Score!
I also had college which was okay, we're doing Romeo & Juliet which is nice, a lot of people on the course are dreading it and not enjoying it but i love it, it's so interesting breaking it down and going into detail about it!

Before college i managed to fit in an hour and a half at the gym, and was so proud of myself. I done an hour on the cross trainer, Cross country mode (it is bloody hard!!) and burnt 600cals (: Here's proof!

(: woop! Also done crunches and an arm thingy- which i do not know the technical term for!

I've managed to go the whole day without weighing - which is great for me!! Infact i think i've gone 2 days now ;D I'm going to try not weigh till sunday but i have a party sat night so i know i will weigh before then!
I'm going as Katy Perry, so give me some suggestions on special things i could wear to make myself look like her? (:
Hope you're all doing well,
Take care & Stay strong!
Much love,
El xox

Me.

I've not done very well, i'm up to 128 but hey, atleast it's not 130! I've just been so stressed recently and stressed me = eat.
I start my fast tomorrow and i should keep it going as my exam will be over with and i wont be stressed!

Today, i had my first photo shoot in a year. I am not happy with my body but i thought i'd atleast give it a go. And when thinking about this i got to thinking how you girls know me as El. A face behind a screen. Just another ED blog... Well i want to be known as more than that. I want to be known as me. So i've finally decided to let you see me. I'll upload a picture from todays shoot so you can see who you have been following, commenting, and recieving comments from. I don't like being just another person. But promise me girls, this is between just us... I will remove the picture in a couple of days, but ill keep it long enough for most to see.
I'm to the point of exhastion right now. Didn't stop yesterday, and today i survived a 6 hour shoot and revision until now on 5 hours sleep. I don't think i'm even thinking straight right now...
I best leave it at that, and wish you all love
Hope you're all doing great!
Much love,
El xox

So i got back to my 125 mark this AM but bring drunk I binged. I don't evenvwant to say on what. I'm expecting 127 tomorrow so by Sunday I should be back to 125. That was my goal anyway...

Need sleep so I'll call it at 125 today & updare with tomorrows weight tomorrow
One step at a time
Urg I have so much work to do tomorrow );
Hope you're all doing well
Much love
El xox

What's going on?

Evening lovelies! (:
(well morning technically)

I don't know what's going on but i managed to drop 3lbs since last night! And it's definite as even with water weight tonight I'm the same as i was this AM. 128.2lbs
That's a 5lb loss since Sunday ;O Technically Monday morning when i took my weight as the starting point. Incredible yes? What's going on with my body! Haha!

Today's been another day of goodness. I think it's the fast making me happy, i tend to be happiest fasting which is potentially dangerous. I noticed something, When Mia came into my life i was still pretty unhappy, depression is a bitch... But then Mia moved out, and Ana moved in. Mia still visits from time to time, but now Ana is here to stay i find myself happy most of the time. It seems when she is here, my depression just floats away. I like that feeling, and that's why i find it potentially dangerous for me. I don't want to get painfully thin, i don't want to become obsessed with being the smallest i can be within deaths grasp. I want to be thin, but not deadly thin. I hope I'll just be able to clear my judgment in time to stop.

Well, it's 00:20am and i have to be up at 8 for college, so i had better get going! Long day tomorrow, college, gym then my friend over to help with my English essay! I will update ofc, and since i don't have to get up early on Friday i will sit down and make time for hitting some blogs (: So expect some comments!
I hope you're all doing good and keeping strong!
Much love to you all,
El xox

Miracle!!

Good evening lovelies (:
I'm in an unusually good mood and i'm not sure why, but i'm not complaining!
I don't know how it happened but i'm down 1lb since last night... so, 6 more to go! It'll probably be 5 when i get up tomorrow :) I've managed my fast with ease! I found it so difficult yesterday i really thought it would take alot to get back into it but it was so easy today, and i have so much work and revision to do i can keep myself busy again the rest of the week (; I'm hoping to go gym tomorrow but it'd be on my own and i have a slight fear of going on my own =| Deffinately going Thursday with my friend and if it comes to it i'll go friday on my own.. shouldn't be busy during the day anyway!
I got this cool app on my new iphone 4 called MyNetDiary and if you have an iphone or bb you should check it out (: You can input your data, take before and after pics, record your food from a large list of foods (it adds the cals for you) and your exercise for the day (which calculates the cals burnt)
It's so awesome, and helping me alot!I think i will start posting my stats from that.. So here we go with the first!

Meals : 48cal (liquids)
burnt: 109 cals
BMR: 1432

;D

Not much more to say really! 130 tomorrow, then down to 125 by sunday latest!

I'd like to comment on my last posts comments!

Annie - That made me smile (: It is indeed me in the picture! Thank you so much for that comment, cheered me right up <3

bonesarepure - Thank you hun ^_^ It took alot of time hehe, i'm glad it came out good! <3

*Harleyheartsana - collar bones <3 =3 teehee! I'm motivated to get back to 125 so i can start losing again :D I will so be at 110 or lower by end of november! YAY! I'm glad you're still about and reading, quickly mention i can't comment on your blog ); apparently it doesn't exist. last entry i can see is monday weigh in over a month ago!! this makes me sad! I want to see your posts, i may have to unfollow and refollow? I'll give it a go! Stay strong <3

Leto - thank you so much (: <3




Stay strong girls!
Much love,
El xox

Bust.

After what feels like forever away from you i'm finaly back. And i'm ready to get going. This week i've struggled with eating but managed to gain 7lbs (fatass. i know) due to all of the "family" meals, partys and birthday events. But, one week and i'll lose it. That's a good way of thinking. I'm hoping to hit my 125 again by sunday, since i will be going to the gym thursday and also friday. Lets hope my friend doesn't bail on me, or i'll be going alone (which i hate)
So, today was ment to be my day 1 of fasting and it was going so well up until about an hour ago when i caved and had 2 small sandwiches. Yeah i know i'm a heffa. 2 sandwiches?! I can make excuses and say the bread i use is half the size of normal bread but i can't even be bothered. I failed, and i know i failed. And this feeling is just what i needed to give myself a kick up the arse. Now i'm roaring to go! No time to eat tomorrow, up then driving, then c/wk then college then bed! No time to stop and eat is what i'm planning. I'm going to allow myself 1 bottle of Coke Zero (for college) and 1 cup of tea. The rest of the liquid will be water. This will be the same until sunday when i weigh in! I'm going to actually try my hardest to not weigh until then!

On a happier note my birthday was a complete success! I managed to finish my dress and everyone loved it! here is a picture...

Yeah i'm a fatty i know - no need to say so -.-;

Just had a thought... If i can get the money together i could go to the gym wednesday on my own as i've nothing planned. Hmm, i may just do that...

Well, not sure what else i can say. I think i'll be updating more now i've got my Iphone and i can get on here from that! Also downloaded a diet app, to record my progress! So fingers crossed it'll help!

Hope you're all doing well! And i look forward to seeing your blogs ;D
Much love
El xox

Back on track

Thank you for the happy birthdays (: my birthday was awesome!! But i've gained majorrrr - so this is official to say i'm back on track ;D Now everythings over with - I'm fasting as of tomorrow! I will hit my UGW by the end of November! <3
I will post fully tomorrow, and comment on some blogs
I've missed you all so much!
Much love,
El xox

Kaboom!

So so so so busyyyyyy
Wanted to let you know i've managed to maintain - but not 125, put on a little sunday but that'll be gone by next week (;
My birthday tomorrrowwwww! Eeeeeeeee! Hope you're all doing well!
Much love !
El xo