Forget everything just for tonight

Hello lovelies :)
A quick post to tell you the low Down, but first I'd like to say happy new year! I hope you can all have this one night off and just have a great start to 2011!

After my terrible christmAs gain it's shocking what a water fast can do to you! I weighed in at 127 after my Wednesday post and decided to do a water fast with a coupleof buddies, I thought my daily loss could only be 1lb but I was very wrong. 126 Thursday morning, I then went to work. 2 OEP through the day abd 2 bottles of water. Walk home then shoot and bed at 8pm. I weighed before then and I don't know how but it said 123 !! 3lbs loss in the day? Then I woke up and curious to weigh I did! 122! 4lbs loss in about 30 hours! Crazy stuff!

As it's new year my plans do involve food but I'm going to tru and be smart, and not worry. New years day, resolution, water fast every day I'm not working and when I am working I'll stop drinking anything after 2pm when I finish! Wish me luck!

Hope you all have a fantastic night! Or have had one (if you're readin this hungover in the morning ;)
Much love,
El xox

The words burn climbing up my throat, Craving some better place to go

I'm happy. One reason only makes me happy. *Harleyheartsana is back ^_^

Aside from that, i'm miserable. I have my photoshoot tomorrow and i've just binged majorly. I don't know why i did it, i just broke. I feel so crappy now. I won't go to my RL friends or family, i can't let them know i'm breaking. I refuse to go back down that road. So what can i do? I'll tell you what i will do. I'm going to spend the next 2 hours searching thinspo, watching thinspo, getting tips and looking at pictures of me when i was at my highest weight. I'm going to think of everything i had wrong when i was fatter, and everything that will go wrong if i go back up and now down!
That's what i'm going to do. Wish me luck -.-
Much love
El xox

Everybody needs somebody sometimes

Hey everyone,
Sorry it's been so long since my last update, Chritsmas was hectic!
I knew i couldn't hide from the fact i'd have to eat, so i did. I let go for one weekend and didn't worry about the consequences. One weekend with family is something i'd happily give up a few lbs for. I was 125 yesterday, and i decided f**k it, i'm'a go out and have fun with my friends. I got home and was 124, woke up to 123 (: It's dropping off and i'm happy with that. Fast up until new year and into it. To mark my year with good things.
My date last Thursday was lovely (: We went to see little fockers and then went for a couple of drinks. Been chatting non-stop since then hehe! Makes me feel like a school girl again!
I'm hoping for 120 saturday or lower. I have a photoshoot Thursday and i'm not too worried as i could hit 121 for then and i'll be happy enough. ^_^ I hope you all had a good christmas. Tell me about it?
What did you get?
What did you eat?
What did you do?

Much love darlin's <3
El xox

I'm taking all of my time

Merry Christmas Bloggers!

Hey (:

How is everyone?

I'm in a foul mood today and just needed to post! I started with that pic as i'm so happy my legs are starting to slim down so much! finally right!?

This week has been standstill weightwise. I said i wouldn't weigh until friday but i just couldn't do it. 118 pretty much maintaining. But i'm hopefully back on track now after some hard-core thinspo watching. I've got goals set with 2 of my buddies to get to 110 or lower for new years, then reach UGW or lower by end of Jan. I hope i can come on here in Jan and share the good news that i've reached my UGW with you all! 

I'm suppossed to have a date tomorrow :| And i'm worried haha! I like this guy, and he might just be the first person i've liked since i've been happier. I'm scared to screw it up, or worse, my ex get in the way and decide he wants me back when i'm happy with this other guy. I know what i'm like, and i'll chose D over the new guy. I refuse to let it happen, i'm going to try do anything to stop it from happening!

I'm going to catch up on some of your blogs now, and hopefully you're all doing well (:

I should update before christmas day, but if not i hope you all have a stress free, fun christmas. 

Much love,

El xox

p.s - Ana, please come back for christmas, I beg you! <3

Inside i hope you know i'm dying...

Welcome new followers, and hello old friends (:
How are you all?

Today started well. 117 again finally. Then my sister and her fiancé popped in unannounced. Out come the pringles, salted peanuts and chocolates. Sigh... I caved... They were all looking at me with them big beady eyes and i knew i had to do something, so i picked up a small stack of pringles and a few chocolates and munched my way through them. (without problems ofc)
Then came dinner. Order in they said, bah! Heck no. I told them to get me a veggie burger and ran to my room to proceed with moving my stuff into the bigger room. I saw them.. The scales... Looking so shiny and new. "stand on me" they whispered... (not really, but you get what i'm trying to say) so i did. 119.6 already?! WTF ??
Screw eating! I ran down and told them i wasn't hungry. I turned down my favourite take out! (veggie burger) ((its this particular place that does the nicest ones)) and thankfully i saved them all from gaining a few pounds as they decided to make chicken wraps instead!
I just weighed before bed and am disgusted in myself. 120.FAT ... That's what my scales should say. Instead of point number they should say "number.FAT" untill i reach 100. That's be motivation haha!
So, i'm hoping that this is just water weight as i've been a fish to water today (but my water is Diet Coke)
Hopefull for tomorrow, but it will stay a mystery.
I've decided to make it every sunday weigh in. As it's christmas i'm doing it Friday, then i can assess the damage come Monday -.-
You don't want to know the details of the later half of my week. It involves a lot of binging, and a lot of purging. Lets just say my throat is now extreemly sore ):
There goes my 40lbs loss mark....Again....
Work all week (1h30mins walk everyday) and clubbing tomorrow night. So i normaly lose an extra lb from all the drunken dancing i do ^_^
Wish me luck for the next 5 days, i think i will need it.
Much love for you all,
Stay stronger than i've been
El xox

Quick

Does anyone here get that feeling sometimes, when you just want to sit on the sofa with some hot food on a cold cold day ): I want to be ae to do that and not
Worry for once. Enjoy a meal and not run straight to the scales then bathroom.
Urg, sometimes I wish I was rid of this, but then I think how far I've come and how much happier I am in myself :-/
Can't be arsed with this crap, my head is a mess when it comes to Ana and Mia!!!

Fustrarion!!

Please forgive me, I don't know what I'm doing.

I wanna stand beside you

I wanna try and feel the pain you're going through

Till the death you'll see this through

Cold sweats, hallucinations

I wanna scream to show the hell I'm going through

The addiction's taking you

Everyone is sick of caring

No silver lining on the cloud that covers you

Let it pour and soak you through

No hope just desperation

So sit and wait for death

And pray it takes you soon

The addiction's taking you

Can you see me through bloodshot eyes (bloodshot eyes)

Should I fight for what is right or let it die

Now I'm choking on force fed lies

Do I fight or let it die

I will fight, one more fight

Don't break down in front of me

I will fight, when you fight

I am not the enemy

I will try, one last time

Are you listening to me

I will fight, the last fight

I am not your enemy

Can you feel me through bloodshot eyes

Should I fight another night or let it die

Now I'm choking on every lie

Should I fight or let it die

I am not your, not your enemy!

Not sure what to say about the lyrics. Some of my favourite but you might read them differently. Bullet for my valentines album "Fever" is just amazing. The words really get me.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the new followers <3 (: 

It's been a few days, and i must apologise for my scattyness when it comes to posting. I've been swamped lately. Started my new job today, it's only factory work but it was actually good. Time passes so fast there and it's easy money! All good for now.

Got Photoshoots booked Saturday and Sunday this weekend, then back to work Monday. Straight after that is the Christmas party (clubbing, no meal thankfully) and then Tuesday I'm meant to be working but I'm trying to get out of it! 

Sunday i had to sit down with my parents and family for a roast. I got away with mostly veggies and a small slice of chocolate cake for afters. I gained 1lb. 120 Sunday. 120 Monday. 120 Tuesday, then dropped to 119 in the evening. Wed, 118.. Now? 118.4 :/ I've been hovering around 118 since Wednesday night when i had to have that meal. One slice of pizza i told myself, one. But i was a greedy fat bitch and had about 4, with jalapeno cheesy bites AND garlic bread. I purged it all, basically. I got back down to 119 that night,woke up at 118 yesterday and in the afternoon, the house was empty and the pizza was looking so appetising. Yes, i binged on 2 slices and a small slice of garlic bread. Then purged it back down to 118.9 or something. I regret it now. I thought it would be okay but clearly it wasn't. I was going from 117.4 to 118 exactly today on the scale. I was so hopeful, then it stuck on 118.AGAIN. 

I'm just sick of the number now. Worked 8-3 today, a good 45 minute walk home and walking up and down stairs a bit today at work. Nothing to eat as of yet and too tired to even think about the effort it'd take to quietly purge in my room and stay up late enough to get rid of the evidence. Not to mention the paranoia that runs through me. Meh. Photoshoot tomorrow and i refuse to be 118 for it. I just refuse. I need to get an early night for it or I'll have bags as big as Mary Poppins. SIGH!

I hope you're all doing better than me

I will make the time to comment on all your blogs and catch up with everyone tomorrow night after my photoshoot.

Stay strong everyone, stronger than me right now!

Much love,

El xoxo

Crap crap crap

After a hump on Sunday then plataeuing at 120lbs i finaly got down to 118 today. Now, what ruins it? My parents want to eat with me tonight, they're ordering pizza. I can't get out of it, i've tried every trick in the book! Please don't take me back to 120... pleasssssssssssse.

Keep your hopes up high, and your head down low

Evening bloggers <3
Welcome new followers!

Today has been a pretty average boring day. I woke up today to read 119 on the scales (: Which is obviously a great thing! Finaly in the 10's! Just been booking shoots and searching the net for things really. I found a place in London that does Assesment days for £30 and teaches you the basics of modelling. Then you can do the weekend bootcamp for £399 and it will teach you everything... Like how to present yourself, you have personal stylists to help with what you need to wear and buy clothes wise, make up lessons, all things like this. It sounds amazing, but i'd have to fork out 400, then extra for the train and accommodation. I'm hoping by the time i want to go that i have a boyfriend and can go with him for the weekend and split the bill for a hotel ^^ I'm sure you'll have the evenings to yourself so we could go for meals or whatever then. Fingers crossed ey!
Not done much else, managed to catch up with some blogs!
I've taken my little scale thing down because i had to put everything on disk (and forgot to leave the file for that to edit) and now its on disk i cant get it back as my disk drive is broken! woo! hahaha...
I was worrying about tomorrow sunday lunch with all the family, was going to restrict like crazy as my shoot was rearanged for next week. Then my friend said he'd take me for coffee at 2 until dinner is done at my house haha! then i can come back to see the family (: Scorreee! Happy happy ^^
Not heard much from D (ex)spoke to him yesterday about our plans today but we changed them to next week as he's not feeling good... I feel like i should just leave it, make him get in contact with me... He seemed to be so regretfull and interested last tuesday but he's not got in contact. Hopefully if i leave him he'll get in contact. What do you guys think??

Hope you're all doing well (:
Much love,
El xox

You're not the person that i knew back then

120 ;D Woooooooooooooo! I broke the stupid 121 mark :D 119 tomorrow i hope!
This was just a post to say i done it ^^ and new picture ---> down that side! 20lbs to go until my UGW. Keep going everyone, you all rock! ^^
Much love,
El xox


Ps my hair is dyed red&black again but with blonde too!

While you're racing through my mind

Sorry i haven't posted everyone, to be honest i just needed a break. Things have been hectic recently.
121, plateaued. 2 days of fasting and no results. It sucks but maybe i'll drop tonight. I'm 121 exactly, how annoying is that? haha. yest morn, yest night, this morn, now. No change. Why cant i be 120.9? :P
If i hit 120 tomorrow you know what that means right? Picture update!

Well, hectic or what. Remember D? The ex? Well he was out Monday night and guess what, we spoke, and i told him exactly what he needed to hear, he kicked himself. Well and truely kicked himself in the balls. haha! I went over there Tuesday night and he told me he still loved me, that he is in two minds. How funny. Ofc i still love him but meh, i'm happy with or without him. He's still with skanky pscyho bitch so we'll see how friends go. Maybe over there saturday! This is giving me the kick of motivation i needed though. I think it's now been ... wow... 4 days. I didn't realise it'd been 4 days. Means i'm past the fasting hump! Not that i had any difficulty. I'm happy about that! haha
I'm just trying to dye my hair right now, and thought i'd post whilst it developed (:
Hope you're all doing well!
Much love,
El xox

It's been a long time coming

So, it's been a few days since i've posted and i'm sorry. I got so so close. I can't believe i'm saying this but i scewed up. I'm destined to be a fatass the rest of my life. I'm going to have to live in this skin forever, i just know it. I try, and try, then something in me snaps. Well, not anymore. I refuse to be this, and i refuse to let myself, or you, down anymore. Fast. A fast untill the 17th when i have to eat, then after that untill christmas eve/day when i'm made to sit with the family for a meal.
I will not fail this time, i refuse to. I dont want to be like this, i dont want to hate myself the rest of my life, and i'm cirtainly not going into 2011 bigger than 8 stone!! I'm going to do it, and i'm going to make you all proud.
I've got World of warcraft back, last time i played it was when i was my lowest weight. It kept me so occupied when i was bored that i didnt eat. I just didn't feel hungry. That's a plus. Fingers crossed!

I had a big oopsy today. Making room on my laptop and i accidently deleted all my music :/ I went mental, nearly cried, that was 2000+ songs lol. I guess i can live with what i have on my Iphone but meh, it's a good 6 years of music there, gone! Just like that!

I hope you're all doing great,
Much love,
El xox

It's still snowing!

thanks for the comments on this post!