And this kills me. cause now I think that everything, everything was about you

I'm sorry, i was in such a bad place last night. I woke up and now i've had some time to think and "assess" the situation i've decided to pull myself together. I'm sick of this, i wont go back there. I'm going to have to stand straight and keep my chin up. I'm better, and stronger than this.
I don't want to talk about weight, it's not bad, but it's not good either. I'll leave weight talk till i'm happy and back to normal.
Had my family party last night. I was going to wear a slitted dress but as i ate before hand with the family i thought there was no chance i'd feel comfortable, so i chose another dress. Here are the outfit pictures.

What'cha think? Still need to lose a lot of weight but meh. Hold on the fatty comments. It'll be off soon enough!
Also, i wanted to show you guys some pictures. I had a photoshoot Friday, a "dolly" type shoot. I was happy with them. Thought you'd like to see. Again, i'll be removing them pretty soon just incase as you can see my face. But enjoy whilst they're up ^^

Removed ); sawwi!

Would love comments!
Stay strong everyone,
Love,
El xox

you're not sorry

I give up.
You won't hear from me for a few more days, I'm sorry.
Stay strong everyone. X

We were so close, they said we were so far.

116.2
I'm an idiot. I ate lunch and went to 115. I don't know why but i binged and now i'm 116.2. I went for a jog to try and redeem myself, ended up purging in the park, and no change. It was for nothing. Urg. I hate myself a bit too much right now.

I told D to shouv it. He isn't commited and i'm not standing for his sh*t anymore. I'm stronger than i was, i don't deserve it. He can sort it out or do one all together.

I'm done with that crap. Weight loss and college is my ultimate focus right now. Oh, and finding a job ofc. Nothing else. I can't be bothered with going out (except my family party saturday) anymore. I'm going to save the little money i have left. I bought a new skirt and shirt today, size 8, thats USA size 6. That's an acheivment i guess. Mum got me a new dress for Saturday which has slits on the size. I better get back to 114 by then, or i will not be going, or wearing it.

Hope you're all doing better,
Stay strong, Stay skinny.
Much love,
El xox

Just one more day, we'll make it through

I love him.
I am completely, and utterly, in love with him.
And i wish i wasn't.

I've shown such restraint with eating. I know i have will power. I'm strong. So i'm going to take this, and apply it to my love life. I refuse to text first anymore. I need to play my cards close to my chest from now on. No more slip ups. College is no.1 priority right now. That and finding work. When i do, it'll be better. So the plan for the next couple months is
1) get through college in one piece and apply myself 100%
2) Get a part time job for money.
3) Lose the rest of this weight
4) Keep focus on ME. Not him.

I'm down to 114 today. After being at D's the weekend i thought i'd have shot back up but luckily i had only gone to low 117. It's been hard these past couple days but i'm now 114, hoping for 113 tomorrow, and maybe even 110 by saturdays family party and potentialy a mini date with D. If he pulls his finger out his ass and organises it. I sure as hell won't.
Wish me luck i guess. Green tea fast, after discovering i've started hating normal tea. Either that or our Milk is off. Haha!
I hope you're all doing well, and keeping strong.
You can all do it!
Much love,
El xox

ramblings

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, it a comes down to one moment. Are you strong enough to live through that? Or will you crumble? Me? I crumbled.

I wrote
Out a huge post and it deleted itself. I want to cry. It's 5.25 am and I want
To walk home I'm that fucked, I just want to stop
Crying, please. Make this all go away,

I walk the tight rope, you're my way home, you're my backbone. You'll always be here right beside me

Hello lovelies. I return, after a few days with some rather astonishing news. Remember how i screwed up? Yeah, that carried on until Wednesday night. I was stuck in this cycle of binge binge binge, then get depressed about it. I managed to hit 121.8, and maintain it until Wednesday night. Then it hit me. I have a family party next Saturday, and D, my ex, broke up with that psycho during the week. I'm going there tonight. (no better timing tbh) I need to look my best for all these things coming up, i need to do this, i can't get fat again. So i woke up Thursday morning with not much determination since my pep-talk to myself didn't make a difference. I went to make a cup of tea and suddenly, i started to crave Green Tea... I've tried substituting hot drinks for green tea 2x before, and i hated it. I really did. So this crave was unusual, to say the least. I gave it a go anyway, and what do you know, i loved it. Strange?? I've allowed myself half a cup of Apple Juice a day, and every other time i want something I'll have green tea. And you'll be shocked at the next part. Remember i said i was 121.8 Wednesday night? Well. The first miracle came yesterday when i woke up. 118lbs exactly. What?? 3.8lb down overnight? Is that possible?
I went out drinking last night, got heavily drunk and ended up puking my guts up with the girls watching. Not nice, thought I'd gain major. Weighed this morning, and 115.2 flashed up. I got off the scale and for a moment i didn't realise. It just didn't register. Then my face must have been a picture. My face dropped, my eyes went all bug-eyed and i then had to contain a squeal. 6.6lbs in a measly 2 days? Ahah!
GREEN TEA = MIRACLE CURE.

115 my lovelies, 115. That means, I'm back, and pictures will be up by the time you read this blog entry (:
I hope you're all doing good.
It is possible!!
Much love,
El xox

good-bye for now

I screwed up. Big time. But I know it. That's something at least?

You might not hear from me for a few days. Maybe a week. I want you All to stay strong and know i love you guys! I will still be around to keep up with you all, best of luck everyone.

Don't wanna hurt anymore

How'd I manage that one? I want to thank *Harley a thousand times over for giving me, among 4 others this award. I never thought in a million years that someone would see neither my writing as inspirational nor me as strong.  Knowing there is at least someone that does, gives me the drive I need to keep going until I hit my goals.

I will follow suit with the other award receivers and hopefully carry this on. I now have to give 10 interesting facts about myself, and then give the award to 5 of the bloggers I read. I’d love to give this back to *Harley but I don’t think I can. Please don’t be disappointed if you’re not listed. If I could list you all, I would. Trust me!

Here goes the fact writing. I’ll try my hardest, but I doubt they’ll be interesting. 

• I have a phobia of reusable plastic. I can’t drink or eat out of anything that’s been used more than once. Even if it’s put in the fridge then taken out the next day for more. (still in its original packaging)
• My hair changes colour every month. I can’t stick to one as it gets to boring. It’s even been grey. 
• I hate to admit it, but I love being a girly girl. I love to feel sexy and lusted over
• I never used to like heels. I couldn’t wear them and never wanted to. I think I was a bit of a tom boy. 
• I’ve OD’d 3 times, and used to s/h. The last time was both in 2009, I still have the scars and as a result I am too scared to open up to people again. My last relationship made me change and realise and I will not let anyone think I’m going down that road again. 
• I’ve done pole dancing lessons and can do the basics. Not well, but it’s still something 
•  All through childhood I’ve been bullied in some way. This secretly made me want to become a councillor so I could help others going through the same thing. 
• I don’t trust anyone. I believe that as hard as anyone tries, they can’t 100% be trusted. And most just don’t even try. 
• If I could have cosmetic surgery I’d get my boobs and nose done. 
• I hate feet. They’re gross, and make me cringe.

There are the facts. Now for the bloggers (:

To start things off, my first blogger will be Annie . You are such a beautiful blogger, and so much like me it's unreal. You're doing so well, and i want you to keep it up.
Sarah you are an inspiration. I always love reading your blogs. I know you're on holiday right now but i hope you see this soon!
Her you are amazing, such a character and it is so lovely to have the privilage of reading your blogs.
Rowan you are just pure, inspiration. Your profile, your words, your life. Keep it up, you have no idea how much you're helping people
Lou we don't speak much anymore, but you've come the furthest of all my friends, and it's been a pleasure to have read the progress. You're so inspirational and strong. I love you for that.

I hope every one of you carry on blogging, being inspirational, and helping all those other bloggers. You have no idea how much your blog can help someone. I look forward to seeing your amazing progress, and even hearing about the bad times. Because every moment brings you to where you are now.


Quickest udate ever, Had to eat, 116 today. Hoping to be 115 again tomorrow so pictures asap! <3
Much love,
El xox

nothing comes between me and my plans

I'm not letting the slow progress get me
Down. Im doing all I can, what else can I do? I'm not eating and doing exercise. There's nothing else!
Thank you all for your comments on my last post, all of them really gave me the lift I needed. You're all stars, I'd be nowhere without you.
A few asked about the book I am reading. I forgot to look at the name before I came
Out but I know it's something like fifth star from the right' or 'to the right'
It's good. I recommend it ;)

I started my sit ups the night i got home from work :) 66 then 75 last night. 84 tonight which will be interesting drunk! I can feel it working thought, my stomach muscles ache a little :)

You'll never guess what, I hit my goal. Well.. Roughly. I'm 115 today Which means I'm only 2 or 3 goals away from my ultimate goal! Ahhh it's such a relief. Although I wanted to get to 112 I at least made one goal. So tomorrow If I get the chance I will be uploading a new picture.

Im going out tonight clubbing. Sticking to vodka and diet coke, and normally when I go clubbing I lose 1 or 2 lbs from the amount of dancing I do ^^; D is going to be there too... I want to look amazing to shove it in his face hahaha!

I hope you're all doing well, stay strong and just believe you can do it.
You're all the best,
All my love,
El xox

P.s good thing - I now have to wear a belt with my skinny jeans haha! And my skinny jeans I lived in when I was 16 (4 years ago)and 103lbs now fit me ^^ eee!

like screaming in the air, a sound for all who care

I don't quite know how to explain this feeling.
I'm reading my first book about Ana + Mia and since starting I've had this strange feeling.
You know when your stomach sinks and knots. Like something bad is about to happen? It's like that, but worse.
I keep thinking about how she done it, how I'm doing it all wrong. The dictator in my head has never been so opinionated, or loud, before this. She's screaming at me, all those cokes, teas, hot chocolates, redbulls. I'm weak. I'm the only thing that's been slowing my progress. Why haven't I been doing sit ups? I have spare minutes before bed. I'm lazy. That's why. A fat lazy bitch who isn't dedicated enough.
Things need to change. They will. This is the end of my failure.
45 sit ups a night. Adding 9 on every night (like the girl in the book) as it's also my lucky number. It has to change. Or I'll be this way forever.
No more failure, she won't allow it. I won't allow it. I can't quit, not until I'm happy.

Needed to vent, somewhere to voice my thoughts.
Much love,
El Xox

even though it hurts, she's my favourite pain

The secret of success is the consistency to pursue.





Love,
El xox

don't believe a word they're telling to you

They're getting smaller.
Just believe you can do it.
Love,
El Xox

'cause we're running out of time.

Tired.
Oh, so, tired.
Work is such a drag sometimes. I had another episode today, but i think that's because of the OEP. I had to run to the toilet and i very nearly threw up. I refused to go home though, even when a supervisor asked. I nearly passed out again so i had some hot choc and 7up, for the sugar. It made the sickness go away but it means i won't drop 2lbs. 117 tomorrow, it's almost cirtain, but still. It's only back to where i left off. I'm working Monday so tomorrow will be a water fast. Hopefully i can get to 115 by Monday, then even 112 by Thursday. Here's to wishfull thinking!

My sister gave birth! I'm so proud of her, and my nephew is gorgeous. He's healthy, she's healthy, so i'm overjoyed!

Work gives me way too much time to think. I keep thinking about the boy situation. I decided something though. If me and D (ex) ever did try things again, i'd make it clear before hand he can't meadle. I'd say "My life is my life, I'm me, and belong to me only. What i chose to do is my choice. No interfering unless i ask for an opinion or help."
Fair enough, i think. One problem was the amount i ate with him... It was constantly. And when my Ana tendancies started coming back (which obviously i was happy about) he wouldn't allow it. I had to eat. I couldn't skip meals. His mum was just as bad, checking up on me eating and that. No more! I won't let it happen. I will get to my goal weight and STAY there!!!

Well, i have an english essay to write tomorrow and i'm too tired to even try think of other things i need to write about. I will update tomorrow, most probably just to confirm i'm 117. blah... can't wait to have the day of not worrying about only drinking water.

Stay strong lovelies,
and stay amazing.
Much love,
El xoxox

So i'll be looking my best tonight, if i lose the fight.

It's so cold today. Cold and raining non-stop. It seems to have gotten lighter now, which is good since i have to walk to work in an hour. No doubt knowing my luck it'll start up again heavy. I don't even have the change on me for the bus.

I started a water fast wednesday. I was messing up all the time since christmas and i needed to drop the weight, so, Wed i was 125. Now? 2 and a bit days later i'm 119. I've been taking OEP everyday and drinking only water. Made sure to do as much walking around etc as i can, and it's paid off! I have a birthday party next week and i want to be 115, heaviest. 112 would be amazing. Either one of them is a goal of mine so i guess i'll see when i come to it!

My sister has gone into labour today. Finally! She's 10 days overdue! I can't wait to meet my gorgeous little nephew. Won't be tonight though as i have work till 10. Boo.
Work is going okay, it's so long and towards the end you do start to lose the will to live. But it's money...
I have to work tomorrow too (saturday) 2-10 which is crappy, but it's time and 1/3 so i'll get a bit extra money (:

Not really sure what else to say. R, the guy who i went on a date with has asked to go out again but i'm really not sure. I thought i liked him but lately so many things have happened that make me thankful to be single. And i don't wanna lead him on, you know?
D, my ex, is being a bit of a loser. He promised he wants friends but then i hardly hear anything. His GF is a complete psycho, and i'm worried about him as his parents said he's been really down lately and they think he's not too well. That's how it started with me, and i refuse to watch him go down that path of destruction. He needs to get out now, as she is just going to cause him to crash and burn. Hopefully he realises soon, and when he does, i can finaly be there for him and help him find himself again. That's all i want...
She's basically forbidden him from talking to me. She argued because he wanted to text me to thank me for getting him his sweets for christmas. How stupid? His mum actually told her to back off. Thank god.
Well, fingers crossed he realises soon ey. It's not good.

Started my 2 OEP in the morning today, feeling a little nauseaous... and feint. But that's proably because it's day 3 of my water fast and i'm starting to feel it now. Don't seem quite with it lately.
I don't want to walk to work ): I'll stick my skull candy headphones on up loud and drown out the dizziness as i walk. Lets hope i don't do what i done yesterday and nearly pass out during work haha. That was not good!

I hope you're all doing good,
Stay strong lovelies,
El xoxox